I am well aware that I may be a little late for a New Year's post. I've never been one to be able to follow a punctual timeline. I'm sure many people with families feel the same.
This is not really a resolution, in any real sense. I've never really liked New Year's resolutions. They seem little more than half-hearted promises made for tradition's sake. Everyone knowing that there is little to no chance they will be fulfilled, or bring about any real change in ourselves.
There is truth in saying that 2016 was a difficult year for a lot of people. I'm not really referring to the over-abundance of celebrity deaths. I know personally there have been struggles. Struggles with my own mental health, struggles with family organization, and quite a few relational problems(in existing relationships and in the ability to develop new ones). There was a lot of what seemed to be wasted time, wasted opportunities due to these issues.
I'm not one of those people that think that somehow last years problems are magically gone because the calendar changed. I have accepted that life may always be complicated for me. I've realized that there may never be a time where I don't get anxiety about new situations with new people, that I may never have a time free of any degree of melancholy. Knowing this, I have come to the conclusion that even though these things make life difficult, they shouldn't keep me from living my life the way I believe I should. It shouldn't keep me from trying to reach my goals, trying to be a more open person. Who ever said life was not supposed to be difficult to begin with?
I am very fortunate to have a wife that loves me enough to point out where I can improve. I know that my past is full of awkward moments that could have been avoided if I was better at communicating. I know that despite the anxiety of speaking to people and the uncomfortable feeling that comes with talking about myself, I desire to be known and know others. There needs to be a way for me to push past those things, and I am determined to find it.
I said earlier that I don't like resolutions. I do however have goals that I would like to achieve. I would like to relaunch a photography business, with more of a specific focus on portraits. I would like to devote more time to my photography in general. I want to meet new people, and be a better friend to the people I already know. I want to learn how to open up and let people know me. I want to learn how to know other's better. I want to do the best I can to manage the things going on inside of me, to be responsible enough to work on solutions, even if the problems may never go away.
I have quite a few other things that I want to accomplish, and I know working on myself or reaching goals will probably take longer than a year. I can start now. I can work to be a better husband, a better father, a better friend. I can give more time to the people who need it. I can make time to develop my photography and share it with the world.
I am not naive enough to think these things just happen by will and determination. These are good things and good desires. But they are meaningless and vein without the God that put them there. I know that I can't do anything let alone these things if God is not in them with me. Ultimately any success I have would be by His grace and in order to fulfill His purpose for my life. So even these goals are more like prayers, prayers for the strength to do what I feel led to, and to accept the things that don't work out.
In the end all I can do is pray and try, and I will.
