Communication

It is an awful imposition, being trapped in your own head. There is this resounding loneliness that stays with you, despite how many others surround you. I can best be described as if you were living your life separated from everyone by a glass wall. This glass wall is partly composed of an over abundance of self-awareness and also a struggle in presenting thoughts.




There is plenty racing around in your mind. Things you long to share and show the world; getting it past the glass is an ever present and sometimes exhausting challenge. There are times if you focus you can make your mind "yell" loud enough to get the thoughts out your mouth. You can share that little piece of yourself, hoping in some small way it gives a glimmer of who you are. You can give something out, instead of observing and stewing in your own internal dialogue.




Sometimes it's easier when someone walks up and taps on the glass. Asking a question or starting a conversation with a long introduction that gives you time to coordinate your own desired communication contributions.




Frequently, even that is not enough. You require time to process, to catch the thought you want to give amongst a whirling tornado of ideas and sub-thoughts. This is notably more difficult when you are weary, when your body is slow but your mind still spins. It becomes comparable to trying to catch a fish with your bare hands. People become impatient, and you then you begin to worry about what they are thinking of your silence. This just adds one more thing to all that noise.




Often small talk is painfully difficult, especially when it comes expectedly, with no time to prepare. You get past the introductions and the "how are you-s" and you know more needs to come in order to keep discussions going. Then that part of your mind where outgoing messages suddenly goes blank, then crashes. You are faced with an awkward moment of silence waiting for a reboot, worrying that you seem weird or are making the other uncomfortable. Sometimes you just let it go, kicking yourself later when intelligibility becomes available again and discovering what you could have said.




I  can't say how often and how much I have longed to be real with people. To be able to bare my soul with reckless abandon and not worry about the potential judgments. I want to be known, to give love, to share emotions, to discuss thoughts, to be remembered for an authentic compassion.


I want deep meaningful relationships and connections. A life open and free.




I will have to find a way to break this wall in order to live the way I long to.




With meaning.